


The New Gig

by Kereea



Series: Perry the Evil-Adjacent Boyfriend [5]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Comedy, Friends to Lovers, Getting to Know Each Other, Human Perry the Platypus (Phineas and Ferb), M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-25 02:57:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17113130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kereea/pseuds/Kereea
Summary: Perry Fletcher needs a new, better paying job if he’s going to keep the kids in the house. Weirdly, there’s an “evil scientist” advertising for a thousand a week…well, it might be fun to get back in the good vs. evil game, maybe stop the guy if he’s too much of a bad egg…only nothing could have prepared him for Heinz Doofenshmirtz.Prequel-fic.





	The New Gig

 Perry had been looking for something better-paying for months. He had a cushion from selling the shop to Lawrence’s former best employee, but it would eventually fade and by his math his current pay was not enough to keep the house.

 One odd want add caught his eye—a thousand a week for an “assistant to evil scientist.”

 Interview was today.

 On the one hand…evil scientist. On the other, money he _needed_.

 A quick video-chat with Mrs. Garcia-Shapiro later and the kids were taken care of while Perry threw on his only suit—teal slacks and vest from Lawrence’s wedding to Linda—printed his resume, and raced out the door.

 The building was called Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated.

 He made it to the lab on the top floor in time to see someone getting thrown out for “disrespecting backstory integrity!”

 Well, all right then. Perry headed to the door and knocked.

 “Hello? Are you here for the job?”

 Perry nodded. He pulled out a notepad to let the scientist know he didn’t talk.

 “Oh, okay. Okay. Um, sorry if you know sign, I really don’t so we’ll have to stick to the paper, well come in,” the scientist said. “I’m Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz. Nice to meet you, so, you want to be my assistant, huh? To the lab!”

 Heinz grabbed him and towed him to some interior stairs.

 Perry looked around the room, impressed. He was pretty sure his nephews would consider this a playground.

 Heinz led him to table and took his resume, giving it a brief look-over while humming.

 “Looks good! Ready for the interview?” Heinz asked.

 Perry gave a thumbs-up.

 “Question one: how do you feel about backstories?” Heinz asked.

 Perry wrote that it was usually good to know motivations, and if the backstory was for that than so be it.

 “Oh, good. I am from the villainous school of thought where the root of evil comes from one’s deepest feelings, fueled by the past,” Heinz said. “There’s gonna be a lot of backstories in this job.”

 Perry nodded. Okay so far.

 “Question two: how do you feel about Roger Doofenshmirtz?”

 Perry wasn’t too sure who that was, other than possibly related to Heinz, and wrote as much.

 “Great answer! He’s the deputy mayor and my little brother, by the way, and I _hate_ him. A positive answer on that question would have booted you.”

 Huh. Well, good he hadn’t had much time to keep up with politics lately.

 “Question three: do you have skills in managing accounts?”

 Perry nodded. He’d done that for Lawrence before Lawrence passed and also just for household accounts since.

 “Good, good. I’m a little…eh, with managing money. I’ll still look over what you do and stuff, I’m too evil to be particularly trusting, but that would be a big part of the job. Question four: how do you like large items that need to be inventoried?”

 The antique shop saved him again. Perry noted he had worked with lots of large inventory items in the past, mostly furniture.

 “Well this stuff’s going to be tech, but honestly I’ll take it at this point,” Heinz said. “Question five: how do you react to the presence of preteen girls?”

 Perry was confused, before writing that usually he just compared them to his similarly-aged niece.

 “Good, good. My daughter is around sometimes and I don’t want any creeps. A family guy is good,” Heinz said. “Question six: if a secret agent charged you, what would you do?”

 Perry shrugged before writing he’d probably clock them.

 “Good answer! Yeah, there’s a chance of that, since they’ll classify an assistant as a minion,” Heinz said. “I’m not super on their radar just yet, but I will be. I will be.”

 Perry nodded, thinking. So this was an up-and-comer on the evil scene then? Hm. Well, he’d keep an eye on it.

 “By the way, I _love_ your suit. Do you have anymore? I think that’d make a great uniform or something, the color palette really works for you and it looks so professional!” Heinz said.

 Perry wrote down that he only had the one.

 “Oh…well, I guess as the employer, it’d be my job to get more if it’s a uniform right? Right,” Heinz said. “We can work on that after your first week.”

 Perry asked if that meant he had the job.

 “Oh, yeah, totally. You’re the first person to take this seriously, so you’re in,” Heinz said. “We can do paperwork tomorrow and such.”

 Perry blinked. That was fast.

 “Oh, oh, you might need time to set up childcare stuff for your kids—two days, instead of tomorrow? Is that better?” Heinz asked.

 Perry told him that the kids would be at school tomorrow, and he could ask a neighbor to pick them up.

 “Well, if you’re sure. Have a nice day!” Heinz said, showing him the door. “See you tomorrow!”

 Perry glanced down at the notepad and the wide variety of weird answers he’d given to equally weird questions.

 …what had just happened? Other than him getting a job?

.o.o.o.

 “You got the job?” Candace cheered when Perry got home.

 Perry nodded.

 Candace cheered and ran into the kitchen, declaring she was making pie and no one would stop her.

 Perry followed, chuckling, with the boys on his heels.

 “So, so, what’s it like?” Phineas asked eagerly.

 Perry signed that his new boss was an independent inventor.

 “Wow, and he has enough money for a full-time assistant?” Candace said as she rifled through the cabinets.

 Perry nodded.

 “Cool!” Phineas said. “So what are you doing?”

 Perry signed that he was assisting, which he elaborated seemed to be a combination of organizing materials, cleaning up after inventing sessions, and handling paperwork his boss found boring.

 “Oh man, the stuff from the shop must be super helpful with the organizing,” Phineas said.

 Perry agreed.

 “This is great! I know you hated working at that office,” Candace said.

 Perry agreed. His last boss had been very incompetent. Heinz would have to be trying to top that.

.o.o.o.

 “What’s that?” Heinz asked.

 Perry went to sign, before remembering Heinz didn’t understand that and wrote down that it was a label maker.

 “Oh. Where did you get a label maker?”

 Perry informed Heinz that Heinz had three in a drawer.

 “…I had multiple label makers?”

 Perry had started to figure out what his boss was bad with money. He replied that yes, yes Heinz had, and that he was going to use them to organize things so that Heinz stopped buying multiples that he didn’t need.

 “Well, that’s what I hired you for! Carry on!” Heinz said.

 Perry shook his head and went back to organizing the project he had deemed “My Nephews Would Have a Field Day.”

.o.o.o.

 “Yee-ow! Perry, Perry can you come here?”

 Perry hurried over, worried about the shout he’d heard. To his surprise, Heinz’s left arm was sparking erratically.

 “Help me get this—yow!—off!” Heinz said, pulling at the arm.

 …Heinz wanted Perry to help remove his arm? Heinz’s arm was removable?

 Perry pulled on some gloves and tried to help Heinz as best he could with Heinz’s half-ranted instructions.

 “Oh, thank goodness. Or badness. Whatever,” Heinz said as they finally got the arm free of his shoulder and lab coat. “Well, that’s annoying. That one almost never acts up.”

 Perry was confused. That one?

 “Oh yeah, both my arms are artificial,” Heinz said. “The other one’s usually way more of a problem but I banged this one wrong and suddenly it decides it’s sparking time. Crazy, huh?”

 Perry nodded. He signed that the limb was pretty impressive before remembering against that Heinz didn’t understand sign very well-

 “Can, can you try spelling that out? I’ve been practicing,” Heinz said.

 Perry finger-spelled that the arm seemed very well made.

 “Oh, thank you!” Heinz said brightly. “Yeah, getting the alphabet down wasn’t too hard, actually, it’s the everything else—oh, right, right, the arms. See, I kind of…well, long backstories short, lost both before I was thirty, needed replacements.”

 Perry nodded, surprised. Wow. He knew Heinz claimed to make amazing things, but, well, Perry mostly stayed out of his way except in explosion-aftermath. Just organizing materials took up most of his day. Heinz had a lot of junk. Perry had forced him to buy a lot of shelves and bins as business expenses.

 But that the arms that works perfectly like organic limbs, that he’d shaken the hands of and been clapped on the back by without noticing any difference, were _metal prosthetics_ all along…

 Wow.

 “Well, looks like I know what I’m doing the rest of the day,” Heinz said. “How’s the organizing going?”

 Perry shifted the arm into his off-hand so he could write down that he was almost through the wires.

 “I’m so glad you can tell all those apart, man. You are so worth the money.”

 Perry told Heinz that his nephews were into inventing too, so he’d picked a lot up from them.

 “Aw, you have two little _schtumpels_ who invent? So cute,” Heinz said brightly. “You’ll have to tell me more about their stuff once I get sign down better, I’m sure some of it doesn’t translate as well in writing. Okay, well, arm’s on the workbench now, so you can get back to it!”

 Perry gave his boss a dry salute before heading back to the storage area.

.o.o.o.

“Behold, Perry Fletcher, the Tar-Inator!”

 Perry cocked his head at the large ray gun. He asked what it did with tar, with sign as Heinz had requested less written notes in order to force himself to get better at Perry’s language.

 “That was asking me what it does, right? It was? Yes! Okay, okay, so, the _lieutenant mayor_ is having this big dumb motorcade for this new _redevelopment_ project he helped spearhead and it’s like, that’s dumb. I think motorcades are dumb. They’re like, boring parades. Add in Roger and I had to do something about it,” Heinz said. “In addition, when I was a young man in Gimmelshtump, a motorcade-”

 A man in a fedora swung from a grappeling hook to land on the balcony.

 “An agent!” Heinz said eagerly.

 Perry wondered how the person was a secret agent if they were that obvious. Oh well. Not like he’d ever finished agent training.

 “Hello Agent…um, name or title please? This is going to be awkward if I have nothing to call you,” Heinz said.

 “Agent B,” the Agent said.

 “Thanks. Agent B! Behold, my Tarinator! And also, behold your trap!” Heinz said as a net gun fired from nowhere, tangling the agent in a net. “As I was saying, as a young man in Gimmelshtump, a motorcade once made me lateon my way to school. Which is actually qute weird, given my hometown’s rather… _low-tech_ nature. Seriously, did not know we even had that many cars in town. Anyway, because I was late, I had to _stay_ late as well, and then was scolded upon coming home for being late to my lawn-gnome duties—okay, okay, whole other backstory there, short version, going to turn all the tires of this motorcade to tar. Okay? Okay.”

 Well, that made enough sense. Perry settled in to watch.

 Heinz went to aim the device, only for the agent to cut the net and charge him. The battle was on, both Heinz and Agent B ducking around the Tarinator while trying to score hits. The agent finally knocked Heinz back and hit a…labeled self-destruct button.

 “Oh no, it’s going to explode!” Heinz yelled.

 …What.

 Perry ducked for cover as Heinz and Agent B did the same, the Tarinator going off rather spectacularly.

 “Curse you, Agent B!” Heinz yelled as the Agent left. He then turned to Perry with a huge grin. “They sent a real agent after me! I’ve been… _thwarted_!”

 Perry noted that normally one wanted to go un-thwarted.

 “I think that was you wondering why I’m happy to be thwarted? Oh it was? Okay. Well, yeah, obviously I’d rather have succeeded but…a real agent! They sent a _real agent_ ,” Heinz said. “They _know I’m evil_!”

 Perry asked who “they” was.

 “Eh, whoever’d in charge of the secret agents around here. I think it’s some guy named Frank or something,” Heinz said. “Oh, this is great! Um, and we, err, have some cleanup to do. But this is great!”

.o.o.o.

 The next agent was a lot less fun. And a lot more aggressive.

 Which, incidentally, led to Perry definitely earning his salary for the week.

 Things had started off fairly mundane, Heinz had an inator based in a dislike of the smell of pork (due to a backstory of being kicked out of his home and raised by ocelots for a while) designed to make all bacon at a bacon-fest smell like cheese. Honestly, not so bad.

 Agent N had apparently disagreed, utterly wailing on Heinz while ignoring the Scentinator until Perry finally got fed up with the one-sided fight and grabbed N by the collar before hurling the agent across the room.

 N did not seem to like that and tried to start things with Perry. Sadly for him, Perry was a bit of a workoutaholic who practiced self-defense out of an admitted sense of extreme paranoia that if something happened to him the kids were without an adult.

 Perry ended up throwing them _through_ a worktable.

 “…How strong are you, again?” Heinz asked casually as he activated his inator.

 Perry shrugged. He’d never really tested.

 “Huh. Well, that worked—no!” Heinz yelled as Agent N finally went for the Scentinator. While the Agent got to the self-destruct button, Perry did manage to nail him in the head with his shoe.

 “Aw yeah, Doof and Flecther are more dangerous than you thought! How’s that!” Heinz yelled as Agent N stormed off. “Yeah, you’d better run! Is he gone? Okay, he’s gone. Ow! Ow, ow, ow! That jerk hits way too hard!”

 Perry signed that he was getting ice.

 “You do that! Cold sounds so good right now!”

.o.o.o.

 They rarely got the same agent twice. According to “The Organization Without a Cool Acronym” who sent them, Heinz wasn’t consistent enough for a “permanent nemesis” and so Perry and Heinz quickly learned to be ready for almost everything.

 Some agents were punchers. Some agents care more about the inator. Some agents got Perry and Heinz mixed up despite Heinz very clearly being the one in the lab coat.

 However, Perry’s favorite Agent by far was one who stopped by when Heinz was incapacitated: Agent Silent G. A fellow mute, the agent was so far the only one who actually understood Perry without Perry writing things out on a whiteboard for him.

 Since Perry hadn’t known who to expect, he’d had a note written out anyway, which he offered.

 Agent Silent G took the note. _Heinz is hungover. I made him go rest. Inator’s over there. Thwart at your leisure._

 He lowered the note, eying Perry suspiciously. He signed to ask what the inator did.

 Perry shrugged, signing back that Heinz’s explanation had been garbled but he thought it was a ray that made things marshy, maybe marshmallows. He didn’t know the full plan, but that was what he had.

 Agent Silent G slowly walked towards the inator, glancing back at Perry periodically. Perry found a chair to wait.

 Agent Silent G began methodically taking apart the inator, crushing what looked like random bits of it to Perry. Maybe there was a method, but Perry couldn’t figure it out. Oh well, soon the inator was in pieces, and it didn’t look like cleanup would be too terrible. Agent Silent G ripped up the blueprints, too.

 Agent Silent G signed that from his findings it was supposed to turn Roger’s backyard into a stinky marsh. Okay, that made some sense. Perry nodded, and signed the customary “curse you Agent Silent G!” for Heinz.

 Silent G tipped his hat and headed out.

 Perry went to get a broom.

.o.o.o.

 Things stayed pretty steady through December, Heinz usually having someone come to thwart him the once or week a so he churned something out.

 So far, Perry really enjoyed his job, but since he was working for a very by-the-book evildoer, there was one thing he was worried about: missing Christmas with the kids for a scheme.

 Since Heinz usually appreciated bluntness, Perry just up and asked if there was going to be a Christmas scheme on Christmas Eve morning when he stopped by for work. Heinz mostly had sign down by now, so he got an answer quickly.

 “Huh? Oh, oh, no. I, erm…it’s a bit of a secret but…you _are_ my best employee,” Heinz said. “I don’t actually hate Christmas. _Scandalous_ , I know! But you can have that and the next day off! Hang with those kids of yours—oh, oh! That reminds me!”

 Heinz hurried over to a cabinet and pulled out some gifts.

 “I didn’t know what to get your kids so they just got gift cards, but I got you something!” he said, presenting the gift to Perry.

 Perry unwrapped it. It was a…moderately nice vase. Huh. He gave Heinz a thumbs up and put it in his bag with the envelopes he assumed held the gift cards. He asked what Heinz was doing tonight.

 “Oh? Erm, not much really. You?”

 Perry told him he was just having dinner with the kids, maybe going to look at the lights.

 “Oh, you guys should come here! I get a great view of the lights—too good, really. I sleep with a blindfold this time of year…” Heinz mused.

 Perry politely suggested he get blackout curtains.

 “Perry, you’re a genius!” Heinz said. “I’ll do that at the after Christmas sales. _Thank_ you! Oh, and my offer still stands!”

 Perry thought about it. The boys _had_ wanted to meet his boss ever since he’d mentioned Heinz invented things… He asked if Heinz could keep the “evil” thing on the down low.

 “Oh, yeah. Sure. They’re kids, man, I’m not going to be evil to your kids,” Heinz said.

 Perry nodded, signing that he’d see what the kids thought and would text Heinz later.

.o.o.o.

 “Your boss wants us to come over?” Candace asked.

 Perry nodded. He told them that Heinz had a good view of most of the city, and a telescope if they wanted to zoom in on the lights.

 “That sounds great! Oh, we should bring something! And let me and Ferb get the cards!” Phineas asked, racing off with his brother.

 Perry looked at Candace quizzically. She shrugged.

 “They made your boss cards. Probably because you said he was an inventor.”

 After some debate, he and Candace boxed up some cookies, pudding, and candy canes to bring while the boys fetched the coats.  Perry had a pretty strong hunch Heinz liked pudding. Mostly because Heinz had a tendency to mention it in conversation.

 They drove to Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated and used Perry’s employee spot to park underneath. Phineas and Ferb were impressed by the number of buttons in the elevator as they rode up to Heinz’s place.

 “You came!” Heinz said brightly as he opened the door.

 Perry thanked him for the invitation, and introduced Candace, Phineas, and Ferb.

 “Oh, your uncle has told me _so_ much about you!” Heinz said happily. “Oh, what’d you bring?”

 “Mostly desserts,” Candace admitted.

 “I love desserts!” Heinz said, beaming.

 They migrated to the kitchen, everyone grabbing snacks of their choice along with some hot chocolate Heinz had ready.

 “So, I set my smaller telescope up out on the balcony, so you should be able to see just about anything within two hundred and seventy degrees from there pretty well,” Heinz said. The boys dashed for the balcony, Candace speed-walking after them while telling them to stop running.

 “You were right, they’re adorable,” Heinz said as they followed the kids out.

 Phineas and Ferb were absolutely enraptured by the city’s lights and the ability to see further out ones with the telescope. Candace was a little more chill about it and ended up chatting with Heinz about Vanessa and birthday parties for whatever reason.

 Perry grinned as he relaxed against the railing. Easily one of the best Christmases in years.

 Eventually the boys started getting sleepy and Perry had to call it a night. Heinz offered to help them to the car, in case both Phineas and Ferb dosed off. Perry took him up on it, and sure enough both boys needed some help getting into the vehicle. Perry supposed it _was_ decently past their usual bedtime.

 “Seriously, have a great morning, and don’t come in the day after, either,” Heinz said after the kid were safely in the car.

 Perry thanked him for the nice night.

 “Oh! You’re, um…welcome!” Heinz said, grinning. “And thanks for bringing Candace, she gave me a great idea for Vanessa’s party next summer! And the boys, wow, those guys are _so_ smart! Seriously, do not let them out of your sight with tools, man. They’re going places, and you’re going to want home videos.”

 Perry nodded. They were really something. Candace was too, when she felt motivated enough. Or was crushing the opposition at video games or Skiddley Wiffers.

 “You’re so cute when you’re thinking about your kids!” Heinz teased.

 Perry nodded, wished Heinz a happy Christmas, and got in the driver’s seat to drive the kids home.

 “Your boss is cool. Even if he’s allegedly evil,” Candace said as her brothers snuggled against her in the backseat.

 Perry nodded. Heinz was pretty great, all things considered.

.o.o.o.

 Perry started to realize his feeling for Heinz might be deeper than friendship when it came time for the Valentine’s day scheme.

 More accurately, Heinz constantly complimenting him while they worked on the Valentine’s Day scheme.

 “I mean, not that you probably have trouble getting a date, Mr. Good Looking.”

 “Don’t worry, if you have something special planned I won’t ruin it, you’d deserve something nice, you know?”

 “You’re so smooth. Seriously, were you a ladykiller in college? Or, you know, a guy-killer. I don’t judge.”

 “And then there’s people like you who look unfairly good in suits.”

 Perry was about ready to die by the last one.

 Firstly, since when had he taken Heinz’s compliments as flirting? Secondly…what did he do about it? The guy was his boss, and he needed this job.

 He resolved to just scream into a pillow about it when he got home. Some things were too complicated to think about.

.o.o.o.

 Once he’d started to realize he might have a crush on Heinz, things got awkward for him, fast. Perry was lucky Heinz was oblivious, because he was pretty damn sure he’d slipped up a few times.

 But, well, Heinz was smart. And really liked the kids. And bothered to learn sign language just for Perry.

 Sure, he was evil, but not like… _awful_ evil. Mostly just petty, understandable stuff that Perry enjoyed watching unfold.

 Still he managed to keep things under wraps. For now.

.o.o.o.

 In the end, Perry got to blame Vanessa when things came out.

 Heinz’s daughter was over for the weekend while Charlene was on some kind of lawyer retreat in May.

Vanessa had commented that Perry was cute for some reason or other, to which both Heinz and Perry had very-instantly replied that Perry was _way_ too old for her not-yet-fourteen year-old self.

 “Ugh, not like, that kind of cute,” Vanessa scoffed. “I swear, you two are so married.”

 Perry hadn’t known what to say to that, and apparently neither had Heinz as he went red and started ranting that of course he and Perry weren’t married, or dating, or anything, and he probably wasn’t even Perry’s type anyway-

 Wait.

 Perry asked what Heinz meant by that.

 “I meant…um…this is not a conversation to have in front of my little girl…”

 “Going to my room! Have fun!” Vanessa said, all-but sprinting out of there.

 Perry asked if this was a weird time to say he actually kind of did like Heinz that way.

 “…Well, I mean, it’d probably the…least weird time? And you _what_?” Heinz asked, blushing more deeply.

 Perry repeated that he actually did like Heinz. So, theoretically speaking, Heinz was his type.

 “Wow. I’m usually not anybody’s type,” Heinz said.

 Perry shrugged. He didn’t really know what to say to that. Heinz’s epic dating failures had occasionally factored into backstories, sure, but…well. Most of them hadn’t really been his fault. Like that whale lady, she’d clearly just been crazy.

 Heinz looked nervous, “This could, you know, make things…way, way more complicated, so I get if, you know, that’s maybe a reason not to…”

 Perry nodded. Heinz had a point… He signed again that he liked Heinz and would like to try.

 “Oh! Oh you’d still…great! Great! Um, I guess, I mean this is already _awkward_ , but um…ground rules? I guess?”

 Perry suggested they probably keep the flirting minimal on the clock. Especially since they were just getting into things.

 “Yeah. Yeah. Would just _distract_ us from getting anything done and, yeah. Um, so, you know, keep it, you know, closed, relationship-wise? I don’t really…share.”

 Perry agreed that worked, and he hadn’t wanted to be anything but exclusive anyway.

 “Oh, great! Um, I know things can be a little tight with you sometimes so…we could do dates-in more, if that works better? I don’t mind. You know I’m kind of hopeless in public anyway.”

 Perry said that was okay, and that the kids would probably love to see more of Heinz anyway if they had dinner at the house.

 “You, you think so?” Heinz asked.

 Perry pointed out that Phineas and Ferb adored him for being an inventor and Candace at least seemed to like him.

 “Okay. Okay. We’ll, erm…work this out maybe…not on the clock? How’s your schedule tomorrow? Um, if we don’t…do work. You know,” Heinz said.

 Perry noted that he was free. He asked if lunch sounded good to Heinz.

 “Sounds great! Yeah, great!” Heinz said, his voice cracking a bit. “Um, see you…tomorrow?”

 Perry signed that it was a date.

 He walked out the door, realizing belatedly that he’d kind of left work early.

 Oh well. His job didn’t exactly have normal hours to start with…

 He had a date to plan for.

**Author's Note:**

> Perry moves from do-everything assistant to boyfriend. Who's still an assistant. They'll work out the ground rules.


End file.
